- I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't
- But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
- So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
I said "Do you want a game of Darts?". He said "OK then". I
said "Nearest to the bull starts". He said "Bah", I said "Moo", he said
- So I went down the local supermarket, I said
"I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said
"Those are pickled onions".
- So I went to the Chinese restaurant
and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
- So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again".
- She said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
- Did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example Goran, even he's a witch.
- And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.
- A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins in Hull. It was a turtle disaster.
- I was walking through the cemetry. Woman said 'Morning!'. I said, 'No, just out for a walk.'