- DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your
favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think
of another song you like and hum that instead.
- CINEMA GOERS. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a piss before the film starts.
- RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time
by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
- DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having
your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags
along with your old bank statements.
- WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night
drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to
bed to remove the stains.
- SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court
martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
- MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and
post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
- BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set
one of their dogs on you.
- EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing
half the CVs into the bin.
- MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the
sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This
will save your wife from having to do it.
- GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to
yourself by Royal Mail.
- BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression
that a very small horse is approaching.
- BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something
by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
- ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
- DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep
your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car
start and send them on their way.
- PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply
moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In
the morning, simply move it all back again.
- CAR THIEVES. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All
the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
- MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police
will think you are listening to the sea.
- SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
- SINGLE MEN. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by
standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your
watch and occasionally glancing inside.
- BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping
the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly
60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out
- ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go
to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
- McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they
blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car