The following are
(allegedly) quotes from British GCSE exam answers by
16 year olds. The answers have been collated together by topic, and
they were compiled by the examiners themselves.
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies. The Egyptians wrote in
hydraulics. Egyptians lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by
camelot. The climate of the Sahara is such that the inhabitants have to
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book
of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of Adam and Eve's children, Cain, said "Am I my brother's son?"
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread (which is bread made without any ingredients). Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. Moses died before
he ever reached Canada.
- King Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. Without the Greeks,
we would not have had history. The Greeks also had many myths.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher, who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from a large dose of
wedlock. After his death, Socrates' career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic games, the Greeks ran races, jumped, and hurled
the biscuits. They also threw the java.
- History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one
place for very long.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
Caesar was murdered by the Ides of March because they thought he was
going to be made king. Caesar's dying words were "Tee hee, Brutus".
- Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak. She was cannonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
for the same offence.
- The writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verses, and also wrote literature.
- Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
- Queen Elizabeth 1st was known as the Virgin Queen. As a queen she
was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they
all shouted "hurrah!"
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. Shakespeare
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in
Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
- Miguel Cervantes wrote at the same time as Shakespeare. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton, who wrote Paradise
Lost. After his wife died, Milton wrote Paradise Regained.
- During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing in the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.
- Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean. This was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died
and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and
no longer had to pay taxis. Delegates from the original states formed
the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Benjamin
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards. He later
declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died
in 1790 and is still dead.
- The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14th, Lincoln went to
the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. They believed the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposedly insane actor. The incident ruined Booth's career.
- Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
- Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions, and had a
large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English. He was a very large
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. This was why he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from
- The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but Josephine was a baroness so she could not have children.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West.
- Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63
years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Queen Victoria's
death was the final event which ended her reign.
- The 19th Century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. In agriculture, Cyrus McCormack invented the McCormack
Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
- Louis Pasteur discovered the cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
radio. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.
- The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.