The following are (allegedly) quotes from British GCSE exam answers by 16 year olds. The answers have been collated together by topic, and they were compiled by the examiners themselves.
  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies. The Egyptians wrote in hydraulics. Egyptians lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by camelot. The climate of the Sahara is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of Adam and Eve's children, Cain, said "Am I my brother's son?"
  3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread (which is bread made without any ingredients). Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
  4. King Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
  5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. Without the Greeks, we would not have had history. The Greeks also had many myths.
  6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
  7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher, who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from a large dose of wedlock. After his death, Socrates' career suffered a dramatic decline.
  8. In the Olympic games, the Greeks ran races, jumped, and hurled the biscuits. They also threw the java.
  9. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
  10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. Caesar was murdered by the Ides of March because they thought he was going to be made king. Caesar's dying words were "Tee hee, Brutus".
  11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
  12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak. She was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
  13. The writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses, and also wrote literature.
  14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
  15. Queen Elizabeth 1st was known as the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah!"
  16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  18. Miguel Cervantes wrote at the same time as Shakespeare. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton, who wrote Paradise Lost. After his wife died, Milton wrote Paradise Regained.
  19. During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing in the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.
  20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean. This was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
  21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay taxis. Delegates from the original states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards. He later declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  22. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
  23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14th, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believed the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. The incident ruined Booth's career.
  24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
  25. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
  26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions, and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was a very large man.
  27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. This was why he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
  28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but Josephine was a baroness so she could not have children.
  29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West.
  30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign.
  31. The 19th Century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. In agriculture, Cyrus McCormack invented the McCormack Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
  32. Louis Pasteur discovered the cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.
  33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.