"When I die, I want to go like my dad who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus."

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." - Les Dawson

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." - Woody Allen

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." -  Woody Allen

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Steven Seagal

"If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -  Courtney Cox (Friends)

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.  Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

(On going to war over religion) - "You're basically killing each other to  see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Yassar Arafat