High Court Hang-ups
by Miles Kingston
A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment
in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000
coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in
his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to
bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point
where Chrysler has just taken the stand.
What is your name?
Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.
that your own name?
Whose name do you think it is?
am just asking if it is your name.
And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?
is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.
What is the name of this court?
This is No 5 Court.
No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?
is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!
Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.
not really, you see because...
think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new
line of attack if I were you.
Thank you, m'lud.
And thank you from ME, m'lud. It's nice to be appreciated.
Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For
you, I would...
up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.
Now, Mr Chrysler – for let us assume that that is your name – you are
accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.
you explain how this came about?
Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.
Then why did you say it?
attempt to throw you off balance.
Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence
of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open
to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a
the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me.
You are only here to answer my questions.
Was that a question?
Then I can't answer it.
on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here.
You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar,
I hope you can.
Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you
had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?
that a question?
doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which doesn't
believe in itself. You know – "Perhaps I will describe the reason I had
to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't... Perhaps I'll sing a
little song instead..."
fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that
barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question.
Where you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more
likely to say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise
whereabouts on the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a
question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it
is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever.
Do you understand?
on, Mr Lovelace.
Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you
must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside
Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take
nothing but hotel coat hangers.
Sensation in court. The case continues.