Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.


Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm trousers.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"


Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"


"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"


Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG


A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


Old bloke hobbles up to an ice-cream van and asks for a cone.
The ice-cream man asks 'Crushed nuts sir?'
'No, arthritis'.