The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the "Going Underground" website:

Heard at Earl's Court:
The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway.  These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think.

On the Northern Line:
Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.  If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.

On the Piccadilly Line:
To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of  'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?

At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light)
Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty.

On the Central line:
Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train.

At King's Cross:
This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere.

On the Victoria Line:
This is Brixton, err, no it's Victoria. This is like a TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...
Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.

At Moorgate (after a 20 minute delay):
I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday morning blues.

At West Hampstead:
We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door

At Mill Hill East:
Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3.15pm.  The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there is no need to adjust your watches.

On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague unaware that he'd left the tannoy on);
Bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work.