from The Onion...
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As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:
  1. Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
  2. Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
  3. If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
  4. Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
  5. To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
  6. Contrary what today's kids think, it is not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth.
  7. Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
  8. Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
  9. Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
  10. If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
  11. An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are such a lazy fuck that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.