Quantum Health Warnings
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
products that present hazards to the general public. As responsible
scientists we are proposing new warnings to be shown on all products on
sale, in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to
the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 3
Million Tonnes of TNT per gram of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Eight Hundred
Million Km Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely
Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through
a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four
Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any
Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the
Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New
Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.