How to help IT support help you...
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- Don't write anything down. Ever. We know every error messages
that you have had.
- When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing
for us to remember everyone's screen saver passwords.
- When you call for help, state what you want, not what's keeping
you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your
mail because your computer won't power on at all.
- When IT support sends you E-Mail with high importance, delete
it at once. We're just testing.
- When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in
and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
- Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
and flags it as a rush delivery.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
- When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
- When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call
computer support. We're collectors.
- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the
problem. We love a puzzle.
- When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
- When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply
in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
shortly?" That really motivates us.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently that get sucked into black holes.
- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job
to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
- Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know
exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
- Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
- If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your
dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
- If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the
mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of
muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
- When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes
button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be
doing it, would you?
- When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit
uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.
We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
- Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing
about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of
professional expertise referred to as crap.
- When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT
Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task,
and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a
professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
- When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT
- When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT
Support. We love to hack.
- When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to
deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
- When you receive a 30mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
- Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the
- When an IT person gets in the lift pushing £100,000 worth
of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice: "Good
grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one
that cracks us up no end.
- When you lose your car keys, send an e-mail to the entire
company. People at the other end of the country like to keep abreast of
what's going on.
- When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the
office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings
and drivers somewhere.
- When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.