Summer is just around the corner, and that means one thing: family
vacations. Here are some tips to make your brood's next trip a success:
- Visit a local travel agency and load up on Caribbean-cruise
brochures. Hold these brochures very close to your face for a quickie
- If you plan to be gone more than a few days, set an automatic
timer to turn your lights on and off five times a second while
pulsating techno music plays very loud.
- You should totally go to Bhutan, dude. There's, like, Buddhist
temples there run entirely by monkeys.
- Not all life-insurance policies will pay out if your family is
killed in a foreign country. If this is your plan, ask yourself whether
you're doing it for financial or personal reasons.
- If you have teenage children, chances are they want nothing to do
with you and your lame vacation plans. Stock the house with plenty of
booze and leave them behind to drink and fornicate in peace.
- Organization is the key to a successful vacation. Have a German
army officer plan your trip.
- Whenever possible, encourage your children to distract
sleep-deprived, speed-addled men driving 20-ton trucks.
- Make sure you fill up your kids with pop before you leave. You
don't want them asking for pop on the road.
- When visiting the Grand Canyon, try to suppress your overpowering
urge to throw yourself and your family over the railing.