Do-It-Yourself Country Song

I met her __(1)__  __(2)__;  I can still recall __(3)__ she wore;

1. 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with joggers the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
dead all over the boxer shorts

She was __(4)__ __(5)__,

4. 5
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu

and I knew __(6)__; __(7)__

6. 7.
no guy would ever love her more I promised her
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if
that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink
I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said
it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain
we really lost the last World War The painters knew
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said
what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought
that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed
that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said
I knew deep down

I'd __(8)__ forever; She said to me __(9)__;

8. 9.
stay with her our love would never die
warp her mind there was no other guy
swear off booze man wasn't meant to fly
punch her out her basset hound was shy
live off her that Rolaids made her high
have my rash she'd have a swiss on rye
stay a dwarf she loved my one blue eye
hate her dog her brother's name was Hy
pick my nose she liked "Spy vs. Spy"
play "Go Fish" that birthdays made her cry
salivate she couldn't stand my tie
that Nixon didn't lie

But who'd have thought she'd __(10)__ __(11)__;

10. 11.
run off with my best friend
wind up in my Edsel
boogie on a surfboard
yodel on "The Gong Show"
sky dive with her dentist
turn green on her "Workmate"
freak out with a robot
make it at her health club
black out in her Maytag
bobsled with her guru
grovel while in labor
blast off

__(12)__ goodbye.

You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her dumb friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that's the way that pygmies say
She sealed me in the vault and smirked