Top Tips

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
L. Traintu, Clarkesville

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms G. M. Dowd, Wigan

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.  Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester

Pop a few teabags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime  by just turning on the tap.
Mr A.Fowler, Cape Town, South Africa

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
B. Batten, Dublin

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P. Witney, London

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line.  This can then be worn around the neck.
B. Morgan, Criccieth

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger  in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood

Olympic athletes.  Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
B. Johnson, Canada