OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used
for shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the kerb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This
will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing
his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. The
subsequent food poisoning really sheds those pounds.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or
kitchen knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to
turn whilst in the air.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary
match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the
source of the escaping gas.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix
your turn signals for you so that other motorists know where the hell
WASHING CLOTHES. Make your clothes last twice as long between washes by
turning them inside out. This cuts down on the amount of washing powder
you use, and so helps with environmental/conservation efforts.
SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next
time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to
see out of the front window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them
in the garage.
TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see
which items you have recently used up.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting
KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way
you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red
nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
should be selected).