JERUSALEM--Jesus Christ, son of God and savior of humanity, confided
Monday that He is not looking forward to His 2,000th birthday next
year, saying that He is "really dreading turning the big two-oh-oh-oh."
"This is the Big One," said Christ, who will be 1,999 Dec. 25. "I can't
believe I'm actually turning 2,000 soon. I am seriously getting up
Though His associates have been keeping Him in good company as the
milestone draws near, Christ said He is finding it increasingly
difficult to keep His spirits up.
"They keep telling me I don't look a day over 33, but you know how they
are-- especially Peter," Christ said meekly. "He'll be calling me an
old fogy three times before the cock crows tomorrow morning. I just
Even members of Christ's family have been giving Him a hard time about
"Dad's been ribbing Me pretty good," said Christ, sipping Holy Water
from an "Old Fart" mug recently given to Him by St. Michael. "He gives
Me all kinds of grief, telling Me stuff like, 'At the rate you're
going, people aren't going to know if you're the son of God or the
"Two-thousand," Christ said. "I swear, for the next few centuries, when
people ask me how old I am, I'm going to tell them 1,999."
Though Christ is aware that His birthday is one of Earth's biggest
holidays, He said it hasn't been important to Him lately.
"I remember when I turned 1,000, I was really excited," said Christ. "A
bunch of the apostles threw a big surprise party for me at the Sea of
Galilee, and it was such a great time--I don't even want to tell you
how much water we turned into wine that night. But once I turned 1,000,
each birthday sort of became less and less of a big deal. It's like,
once you're a thousandsomething, you don't even get so excited about
birthdays anymore. The past few hundred birthdays, I've generally
celebrated by just going out to dinner with a good friend or something
mellow like that."
"I am so over the hill," He said. "God, in another 501 years, I'm going
to be 2,500. I can't believe it."
Despite Christ's pleading with friends not to "make a whole big
production" out of His birthday, some suspect He is secretly hoping for
a surprise party.
"Every time I bring up the subject, He says, 'Don't do anything special
for Me, don't get me any presents, all I want is peace on Earth, I'm
not some kid in his 840s anymore'--blah, blah, blah," St. Matthew said.
"That's vintage Jesus for you. Well, I have news for Him: Nobody is
going to 'just forget.'"
Still, Christ insisted that He hopes no big celebrations are in the
"It's bad enough getting old, but having your birthday on Christmas?"
said Christ, shaking His head. "And Dad had better not make one of
those delicious carrot cakes with the sour- cream frosting. I have to
go to My Second Coming and judge the living and the dead right
afterwards, and I want to be able to fit into My old raiment."