Letters To The DHSS
The extracts given below are perfectly genuine - they were taken from
letters received by the Department of Health & Social Security.
- Mrs. Smith has no clothes, and has had none for over a year. The
clergy have been visiting her.
- I need the money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is
unable to masturbate his food.
- In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your
officer with no results so far.
- I am pleased to inform you that my husband, who was reported
missing, is dead.
- Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money, as she is going
into hospital to have her overtures out.
- Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children,
one of which is a mistake as you will see.
- My husband is a diabetic and has taken insolence regular, but he
finds he is lethargic to it.
- Unless I get my husband's maintenance money soon, I shall be
obliged to live an immortal life.
- The children have been off school because there is a lot of
measles about and I had them humanised.
- Please forward my money at once, as I have fallen into errors
with my landlord and the milkman.
- You changed my little boy into a little girl - will this matter?
- Mrs. Browns only thinks she is ill, believe me she is nothing but
- Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living
with won't eat or do anything until he is certain.
- In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins
in the enclosed envelope.
- I want my sick pay quick, I have been in bed under the doctor for
a week and he is doing me no good. If things do not improve I shall get
- I do not get any money from my son, he is in the Army and his
Regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury Plain.
- Milk is wanted for my baby, and the father is unable to supply it.
- I am very annoyed that you have branded my son as illiterate.
This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.
- I am sorry that I omitted to put down all my children's names.
This was due to contraceptural circumstances.
- I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- The lavatory is blocked. This was caused by the boys next door
throwing their balls on the roof.
- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
- The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
- I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.
- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
- The toilet is blocked and we can not bath the children until it
- The person next door has a large erection is his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife
tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.
- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would
like a third, so will you please send someone round to do something
- Will you please send someone round to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
- This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we
cannot get BBC.