CVs and Evaluations
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters, from the July 21
1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
- "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
- "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
- "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
- "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
- "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
- "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
- "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
- "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
- "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
- "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
- "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
- "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one
and absolutely nothing."
- "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
- "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
- "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
- "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
- "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I
have never quit a job."
- "Marital status: often. Children: various."
- "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those
- "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
- "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
- "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
- "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."
- "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
- "I would not allow this employee to breed."
- "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but
more of a definitely won't be."
- "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
- "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there."
- "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
- "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
- "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
- "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
- "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts,
These are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals or
OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports):
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus --144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
- Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
- Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
- Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.