CVs and Evaluations

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters, from the July 21 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
  1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
  2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
  3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
  4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial  institutions."
  5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
  6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
  7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
  8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
  9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
  10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
  11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
  12. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
  13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a  horse."
  14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
  15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
  16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess  no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
  17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
  18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
  19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
  20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
  21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
  22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
  23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
  24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
  25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
  26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
  1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock  bottom and has started to dig."
  2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
  3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
  4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been,  but more of a definitely won't be."
  5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
  6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only  to change whichever foot was previously in there."
  7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
  8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
  9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
  10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
  11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts,  the better."

These are actual lines from Military Performance  Appraisals or OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports):
  1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't  watching.
  3. A room temperature IQ.
  4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to  hold  it all together.
  5. A gross ignoramus --144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued  on.
  7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  8. Bright as Alaska in December.
  9. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
  10. Donated his body to science before he was done using  it.
  11. Fell out of the family tree.
  12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
  15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
  16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get  change.
  18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000  other sperm.
  20. One neuron short of a synapse.
  21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
  22. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
  23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.